Doodles on a Blank Wall

2011-07-11T22:39:00.002+12:00

There we were trying to out ride the rain. Wind buffeting our faces stirring hair caught beneath ineffective bucket helmets. Stray drops landing on our noses and in our eyes. Green is too small a word for what we were passing. Verdant comes closer but it still doesn't capture the sheer vitality of what I was seeing. It was a green that you can feel, that envelopes and surrounds you. The kind of colour that opens your heart just by looking at it.

2010-06-08T09:12:00.002+12:00

You exhaust me. You leave me with no energy for doing all the things I love to do and that includes loving you. Family is supposed to be safe. You are not a safe place. You intentionally try to hurt me with your words. It works. Good job. Lucky you.

2010-03-12T09:22:00.001+13:00

Every day I wake up and don't feel like killing myself is a victory

Selves

2010-03-02T15:53:00.002+13:00

She
her
I
Me. This is one identity I walk with
Painted on skin Sculpted in form

Acknowledged
Purchased
devalued
mistrusted
Embodied
Empowered

Shadow and light
as all things are

My road
My journey
My Tempest

2010-03-01T16:48:00.003+13:00

Spinner
of
Cobweb cinderblocks
That quiver and tremble and sigh

2010-03-01T16:32:00.004+13:00

So.
Here we sit
you and I
making marks upon each other
Lies bend inward on themselves
collapsing into truth

who we were
where we are
temporal irrelevancies

We exist
that is all

2010-03-01T15:39:00.002+13:00

I am unbalanced it seems
composed of too much shadow
too little light

Where was I...Oh there I was

2009-11-02T08:50:00.002+13:00

Back in time - it was 2002 and everything was changing changing. Mother dead father remarried family fundamentally altered. There was no say no control no input no asking of opinion. Things just happened to me not with me or because of me. Be a good sister, a good daughter a good granddaughter. How dare you think of yourself - there are people who need you, look up to you, be a good role model don't let people down. ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE you can't let your school work suffer pressure pressure pressure. No longer a child but untrusted un trustworthy a headache too selfish and uncaring. Look out for the family life is the family never forget your family. Family is a cage. Flesh is a cage. Hmm you're looking healthy aren't you, be careful your putting on weight don't get fat FAT FAT FAT. Cold sandwhiches on vogels bread - hummus and ham and other shit. Slimy and nauseating all these textures combined together - they make no sense. Why can't I just make my own fucking lunch. Into the bin with you just eat the fruit and water instead. Soon its just breakfast or dinner - have to decide which you can't have both you gluttonous bitch. Sometimes none at all its easy when you are invisible. starve starve starve binge binge starve. So the pattern goes. Don't eat during the week and you can have the weekends off its too hard to hide then anyway. The body shrinks and shrinks and people are happy. So pretty, sexy, slim, so much better now than you were. Its sick you are sick but still people love it. It started so gradually and became so consuming. Adrenaline kicks in you are so superior you have the power baby a will of steel the rest of these whingers have nothing on you. Plus this way you don't have to feel. Every ounce of being is focused on remembering not to eat, caught up in the minutiae of trying to balance input and output. You are different in someways no calory or fat gram or anything counting. Its more intutitive than that. Haven't eaten for 5 days its ok for a binge. Gone for a walk we can eat just a little bit. Everything has a price though. That much you do know. Numb numb numb thats all you are a machine trying to live without its fuel your senses are dulled you don't know empathy anymore just crying and exhaustion. Everything is too much but thats ok you will cope you always do a survivor right? A busy person has time for everything after all and this way you only feel things through a vague haze its not you that person is no longer who you are. YOU have control now. Practicing disorder for order. How fucking pathetic.

In someone else's skin

2009-08-03T20:30:00.002+12:00

It has been an age since I have written anything meaningful here.

Sporadic nonsense is all that I have been able to manage. Word vomit.
So much has changed. I have changed. Looking back on these words on the screen is entertaining, my naivete was astounding but I guess thats hindsight talking.

2009-07-27T22:14:00.003+12:00

I remember learning about parabolas in maths,
satellite dishes, the McDonalds arches.
That stupid U on the page.
sanitized curves.

I'd much rather visualise the curve of your back
or two perfect breasts.
Perhaps the large sweeping U of that beach.
You know the one.

2009-05-16T23:44:00.002+12:00

It is the politics of recognition, I suppose that causes the conundrum. Does anyone recognise me? Does anyone recognise you? Does it matter. The resounding clang of the jail door answers yes.

It is useful to mark changes in oneself. The shift from lover to tourist is subtle and takes one by surprise. Where am I?

2009-04-07T14:30:00.001+12:00

you were right of course. I am nothing after all.

Remembering

2009-02-12T21:47:00.002+13:00

I feel a certain nostalgia for my tortured youth. For my innocence which I hated at the time but like all things looked at with hindsight is a little achey in its absence. I miss people and closeness and being in the centre of things. Here I am as so many times before slightly on the fringe. Most times I am happy with that lot, but from time to time, it bites, it stings, it burns. Things go back to being hidden as we remember being burned.

2008-10-20T22:56:00.000+13:00

Sometimes it feels like cancer is everywhere. I am paralysed by fear.

Time Trickling

2007-09-10T19:18:00.000+12:00

I am leaping from a cliff into the unknown. In you I find everything I am not.

You are the first person I have ever wanted to change my plans for.

I'm so scared.

Humanity.

2007-07-20T08:23:00.000+12:00

It has been an interesting week. I went to a murder trial. Got my hear stomped on. Reconnected with a person. Read about the horrors people can inflict on one another. Finally understood the community of women.

It was crazy sitting in the same room as someone accused of hitting someone three times in the jaw with a monkey wrench and then stabbing him eight times in the chest, leaving the knife in after the final blow and running for it. It was almost surreal. These were real people, real events. Someone had lost their life because someone else had made a conscious decision to end it. It made me very aware of my middle class university educated bubble. There are just some things that I will never be able to understand.

I am tired of dwelling on matters of the heart so I won't anymore. I do however think that I am blessed to know some of the most amazing women this country will see. Greatness overshadows their lives, they will become the leaders of their fields and because of them the world will become a better place. Change starts with one. I know many people who are the catalysts of change. It makes me excited about the future of not only this country but of the world. I am in awe of the people I know.

And so it is.

2007-07-17T08:54:00.001+12:00

I'm over it. Well not quite yet, but I am over putting myself out there for you. So I won't anymore. Soon I will be over you. Its your loss.

Its my party....

2007-07-13T16:16:00.001+12:00

I imagine the sun beating down on the lines on your back. Be careful, your pale I’m sure you burn easily. Though I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen you in the summer time. I sink in to your eyes you know. Every time you look at me I dissolve. You melt me. Do you know how badly it sucks? Because I guess I don’t have the same effect on you, to you I’m just another girl. Perhaps even just another east Indian girl. Fuuuuuuck this is so stupid. I’m being melodramatic. You leave in 5 months, but I just keep thinking of all the fun we could have in 5 months. You started this. You did. I was having fun with Finn, I would have continued to have fun with Finn, then he would have left and I would have missed him a little bit but we would have parted friends, I would have kissed him goodbye at the airport and that would have been that. But now there is you. Once I have cried in a toilet over you, twice I have left places early because of you. I am not used to being this girl, I don’t cry over boys I don’t let them get the best of me.

So this sucks. Really badly. So tonight, I’m going to my birthday party, and I’m going to look really devastating and I’m going to have a shot of tequila and look you in the eye. And then hopefully the spell will be over, the power you have will be gone, and I can go back to living my life. So there.

Navel Gazing.

2007-07-10T10:15:00.000+12:00

Sometimes people say things and its like a slap in the face. Then you realise you do the same thing all the time. So you quietly disconnect, throw away your hurt and insulate. Then move on. Moving on is so easy now its incredible.

I never would have believed it.

Symptoms

2007-07-09T14:34:00.000+12:00

Ok. I admit it. I look for signs. Clues that the universe is letting me know that everything is ok, that things are "meant to be". If that says I'm flaky and insecure I'll take that.

hmmm

2007-06-22T09:41:00.000+12:00

Ok so I may have jumped the gun with the whole lack of mutuality thing. On the other hand I am no longer sure if this is a good thing. Perhaps my stepmother was right in that I am just setting myself up for hurt of stupid proportions. This is a madcap dance or maybe game where I just don't know the rules. I am so confused it is ridiculous.

I know I should have stuck to the plan now. It would have been better. (The plan was to not get entangled for a year). Yet here I am in a knotty mess of my own creation. Ah well I have only myself to blame. This is where you picture me banging my head against the wall muttering idiot over and over again.

Will the complications never cease?

Connection

2007-06-15T07:39:00.000+12:00

Theres that sensation after being with someone they have left a residue of themselves on your skin. Its as if another invisible layer of cells has been layed discretely over your own. I planned this year on being single, on living my life for myself for a while. I love being single. Really love it, I know how to have a good time. Things with the dutchie were fine, we both knew where we stood, it was a bit of fun until he left. Then the Canadaian came along and ruined my life. Lol. No thats melodramatic. He has infected my head. I hat the fact that I let him get so under my skin and that its not mutual. I guess its a blow to my vanity/pride. Its made worse by the fact that he is one of *those* guys, the ones with no shortage of female attention because they are funny and charming and just the right amount of crazy.

I feel sometimes like there are two personalities existing inside this skin. The real me today, the one who I love, but who sometimes has conversations with the other me, the dorky bookish too tall, intellectual adolscent that was not shy so much as didint know how to function in a world where people weren't that. Its strange because that person hasn't been who I am since I was in intermediate school, which was 8 years ago but sometimes my mental processes follow her thoughts instead of my own.

If he doesn't want me its his loss. I know that now. Its just that sometimes I forget.

Past, Present, and Future.

2007-06-04T08:15:00.000+12:00

Its funny how somethings never change. There is a sign in Courtney's bathroom that was in Courtney's bathroom when I met her over 15 years ago now. It is still there in a different bathroom in a different house which has seen two renovations. It is still there despite the fact that when I first saw it Magadalene the youngest wasn't born yet. I still even know the words off by heart.

In this space and time I am so different from who I thought I would be. The girl that sat on the pink carpet in Courtney's house watching her play piano would never have seen this girl. I wonder if she would approve. Yet I don't care. I like this girl. This girl has been through so much and is now strong. This girl does crazy things and has fun but is still grounded. This girl finally knows who she is to a certain extent in ways that girl only longed for.

For the first time in what seems like aeons, this girl loves herself, and doesn't long for someone else to complete that.

I love this girl, and for perhaps the first time ever it doesn't matter if you do.

Travel

2007-04-25T00:30:00.000+12:00

Its the little things I notice when I go overseas. The size of the arrows on the roads are different, smell of the air is strange, the colour of the earth dug out by road works and construction sites is a completely different coulor.

These are the things that let me know I am in a different place.

There was a dying man in the house when I arrived in the early afternoon.

When I came home everything was crisp and chilled. Houses always get like that when people are away. Its as if they go in to a cold suspension, a cryogenic sleep when there aren't people around to animate them. Every time I go back to malaysia I am struck by the force of love. Its like an avalanche, warm and cold and suffocating and incredibly beautiful all at once.

Cradle to Grave

2007-01-31T01:16:00.000+13:00

That is what I want.

2007-01-27T14:48:00.000+13:00

I am an egg. I will admit it. I apologise to all those who have been doused in my yolky slime. I'll try to stop.

The baby is two now. (not mine lol).

Sometimes when I get off the bus late at night the air is stained with the scent of jasmines. There is a large bush a few doors down. Yet in the day time no matter how hard I try I never can smell it.

2007-01-17T10:49:00.000+13:00

Please stop leaving me.

Confession

2007-01-03T11:45:00.000+13:00

It is 2007. The third day of 2007 to be exact. Its strange that the date already feels so natural. I remember the days in primary school where I spent the first few months of the year writing the date of the previous year. I suppose it reflects how my focus in life is change.

I have spent the last few months of the old year living by the mantra that the truth will set me free. Lately this has shifted slightly to "the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off" - Maya Angelou. Although in my head I interpret that as fist it will cut you and bruise you.

To the point however. In fitting with this philosophy the point of this post in some way to set myself free I think. Catharsis if you will.

The realisations I have come to this week have been like bricks hitting me on the head. nerious "NO DUH!!" moments. The first and foremost of these is that I am "scary and damaged". The second of these is, of course I am scary and damged how could I not be. The third is, thats ok I am allowed to be scary and damaged. The bonus of that is that it has made me a little less scary and damaged.

I suppose we all do the best we can. I think however it is this trying to stick a plaster on something that needs stitches or perhaps even surgery is what in the end compounds the damage and lets it fester and bloat.

When my mother was lying on a bed, dead for just minutes after a drawn out battle with ovarian cancer. I let someone comfort me, not just in that instant but in the hours and days after it and my extended family punished me because it was the wrong someone.

For months in the aftermath all I could picture was her with papery skin, eyes fluttering gasping for breath as my uncle put a bottle of perfume beside her. A gift.

When she walked into our rented house after my months away from her while she had been in Malaysia while I had been in New Zealand I didint recognise the painfully thin person with a short mop of curly hair who carried an oxygen tank with her. My mother had always been overweight.

I never forgave my father for putting my education before spending time with her. I stayed with some family friends in titirangi to continue fourth form while they had those precious 6 months.

My brother is now on a much milder dosage of the drugs they used on her to treat his kidney disease. My father is terrified

These are the people I refused to accept as a part of my life. My sister and my brother who I practically helped to raise. My father who spoke to me when he felt like he had no one left. I pretended for a very long time like they didint exist because it hurt to much to see. It was only when I was forced to choose that I opened my eyes again. It was like being born.

Been I don't think accepting damage is what infects others.

Merry Xmas

2006-12-24T22:18:00.000+13:00

The shadow of nausea has haunted me all day. That queasy feeling, a turning of the gut. And yet I have not ceased to gorge myself. Cake and crackers and cheese and turkey and prawns and bread and more cake and biscuits. It goes on. God I hate christmas.

I want to claw my insides out.

The end of the year is drawing near and people begin to think about the future. Goals and resolutions come to the fore. Mine is very simple. Don't screw it up.

2006-12-21T12:38:00.000+13:00

Its almost as if the last two weeks I have spent in hibernation and I am now waking up warmer, softer, calmer and more comfortable.

Perhaps going back on my little purple and turqouise pills has something to do with that.

I am writing this halfway through the process of making brownies where I accidently burned my hand by wrapping it around the handle of a metal saucepan forgetting it wasn't coated in insulating plastic or rubber.

I have my full license. Does anyone want to go somewhere with me?

Please.

2006-12-08T22:30:00.000+13:00

The sound snails make when u accidently step on them at night time as you walk along the footpath is horrifying. I don't know why though

2006-12-07T14:39:00.000+13:00

I read about people in white hats going to the movies alone to find other people in white hats. I don't think I have ever been to the movies alone. Strange I do many things alone but there are somethings where the taboo is too strong. Going to a movie by ones self is almost like accepting defeat.

The days have been swallowed up and I wonder where certain people are. I sit my full next week, after it I will drive somewhere far away with someone in my car to celebrate. Any volunteers? I drove around the city with a muslim woman named nadira who called me gorgeous (I don' think she knew how to say my name) and reminded me that I had two blindspot's not just one.

I think I need some sleep.

Watching Grass Grow.

2006-12-05T11:12:00.000+13:00

There is a lawnmower trapped in the boot of my car. I can't get it out. Perhaps it will remain there, a slowly rusting carcass mummified in the green sarcophagus that is my car. Unlikely though. I need it to mow the lawns. Sometimes I let posts sit here for a few days to see if anyone will comment on them. Nobody ever does and yet the habit continues. Leyla the girl next door with curly hair and sunny clothes is going to spain soon for two months. I found this out by chance as she stopped to chat as she got out of her car while I was washing mine. We used to be friends once.

Back Again

2006-12-03T23:52:00.000+13:00

So I am ready to blog again..

Perhaps it was the sand and the sun and the waves and the salt on my skin that did it. I love the ocean I don't get close to it often enough. By ocean I don't mean the tame puddle that is mission bay. My favourite beaches are harsh and raw and often deadly.

Too much has happened to talk about really.

I could tell you abou the night three of us sat near a posh hotel overlooking the ocean eating japanese food in the moonlight watching boats go by and reclaiming relationships. But the time for that has passed.

Or I could tell you about the night we sat on a bridge in the middle of the bush smelling the air, eating lollies and drinking coke as the moonlight bent on a river that babbled charmingly in the background. But the time for that too has passed

I could tell you about a night in a park at 2am lying on the concrete watching cloud formations dissapate and change as he checked his voice messages trying to figure out what she wanted. But again the time for that has passed.

The only reason these moments are even written here at all is because I feel that if I don't write them down I won't believe they existed. Yet they did. I know they did. Perhaps I am the only one that remembers but that is often the case. Sometimes I feel like I walk along leaving no footsteps, no fragments of my existence, no marks indicating my passage. I miss you. Perhaps because you defined me. With you I knew who I was. I knew that I meant something.

2006-09-28T04:32:00.000+12:00

I finished my scarf.

2006-09-27T00:41:00.000+12:00

Is it possible to be tired of being so many things to so many people yet nothing at all to anyone.

Loss comes in many forms. Sometimes we cut people out of our lives so we can stop hurting. A cauterization if you will. Other times other people cut us out of their lives and the shock its you like a hailstorm in the middle of what was a sunny day. If you aren't careful it can break you. Other times we learn things, about ourselves, about people and we realise that they weren't what we thought. Or we weren't. The hardest kind of loss is the sought that no one has any control over. When people are taken from us not by their chosing or ours. Then we fall apart. Some pieces go missing so putting things back together is less like a jigsaw puzzle and more like a bad patchwork job. But. Over time , no matter how long it takes we grow new bits.

I knew a dog once. It was a rotweiler and lived in the house behind us. He was mean through no fault of his own. His owners didint understand what it meant to have a rotweiler. The girl Marlene was one of my friends, so I went to visit her. That was when Bruno (The Dog) pinned me to a wall and snapped at me, his teeth only got the loose t-shirt I was wearing but it was frightening none the less. He was later adopted by a man named Ross who ate pickles from a jar bigger than I was (at the time) and lived on a piece of land in Kaukapkapa in a converted train. He later died of brain cancer.

I have an irrational hatred of spring. But it wasn't so irrational when I thought about it, it illustrates how much I don't think anymore.

When we lose people, it amazes us that life and the world around us just carries on like it always has. Whats even worse is that we do to.

Pludge

2006-09-20T23:04:00.000+12:00

I remember walking up the hill to grafton with two people arguing the subtleties between a plod and a trudge. If I was upright and walking now I think I would be trudging.

There is not enough sleep left in the world to suffice. If I doze off while typing I will not hold my self responsible, I shall blame Melissa, simply because I can. Isn't blame a marvelous thing. You can apportion little chunks to whomever the hell you feel like.

For some reason people are scandalised that I don't iron ANY of my clothes. Ironing is stupid.

Another thing that is stupid is being tall enough to take the lightbulb out of its socket but not tall enough to put the replacement in, thus leaving half your room in shadow.

drabble

2006-09-20T01:23:00.000+12:00

Its 1.17am and I finished writing my essay about 20 minutes ago. Not bad, not bad at all. It comes easily, its just a matter of being bothered. Thats the trick being bothered. Its so easy to fall into little traps of not being bothered. Thats when you get too comfortable, when you get lazy and everything turns to custard.

I searched for my keys fruitlessly for nearly and hour before I was meant to go to a barbecue. I sat on my bed and decided to knit in order to kill time before my parents came home so I could ask them if they had taken them because I had left the lying around somewhere ( my dad always used to do this with my wallet when I was younger) I stamped my foot on my bed (frustration maybe?) and I heard something jangle. The keys had got between my fitted sheet and my matress some how. Odd.

Seeing Narie's cats quenched my desire to get one. I am contemplating fish instead. The thing about fish though is they never answer to their names. Its debatable as to whether they can even hear or not. I am captivated by the idea of something that responds to you. Somewhere I read that fish are meant to be soothing, bah. Perhaps I will not change the status quo. Who needs fish.

I found the one redeeming aspect of spring. The flowers. No other season has flowers like spring, they grow in clumps and masses forming hazes of colour.

I am writing so much because I am tired and I have just typed 2000 words and my fingers don't know how to stop.

It is a pretty situation and I know not what will happen. Don't be so quick to make promises. I am hopeful.

Fadeinandout

2006-09-15T23:20:00.000+12:00

It appears I am slowly becoming invisible. From the bus driver who shut the door and drove away before I had actually got off the bus at my stop to the lady at the chinese food place on campus who looked right through me and served other people as I futiley tried to claim my already paid for won ton mee.

[Is futiley a word?].

We are stamped in reality by the people around us. They let us know we exist.

I can count on one hand the number of classes I have been to this week.

Jeny was cold so she ensconced herself in my coat (I was in it to) and we walked around, my arms wrapped around her wrapped in my coat in front of me, a crazy hybrid creature. Only the indians looked at us funny.

Excretion

2006-09-10T21:03:00.000+12:00

A collection of words for your reading pleasure. Puke vomit plop. three days. Stomach churning, perhaps gastroenteritis. Not fun, the whole family. ugh. Vomit everywhere. I hope I haven't grossed you out. Or perhaps I am glad if I have. Who knows.

To tired to write more, later, tomorrow. Goodnight.

Chemical Happiness

2006-09-07T00:23:00.000+12:00

I took pain killers for my back. Happiness ensued.

I ripped out weeks of painstaking work and started again. I feel great about it.

I feel great about a lot of things at the moment. Either I am going crazy or things are slowly gluing themselves back together.

My voice in fictional prose is lost. It has become obscured by the layerings of many others. I wonder how I can get it back.

When the base of my bed is heated by the warm air that gushes forth from my heater, it feels like a human leg.

Blogthings

2006-09-06T18:01:00.000+12:00

For a very long time, this blog was a letter to a single person. Over time it evolved into letters to many people. The kind of letters you never send but hope the people they are intended for can read in your eyes and your heart because those people don't read this blog, but my one reader used to. So in a way I suppose this has become more honest.

I sprained or pulled my back by attending an intermediate step class after months of no physical activity at all. Yesterday was alright but today I couldn't stand up straight and spent my day wallowing in my stupidity and aimlessly surfing the net. It was all worth it though. I found a friend in an unexpected place in an unexpected way.

At the moment I knit to survive. No this is not going to turn into a knitting blog, but the fact that I have begun is worth a mention.

The boy hates the fact that I won't committ to anything. its the boys who are meant to be afraid of committment he says Its times like that when I know he doesn't understand me at all. Perhaps he never will.

Everything in this life is forcing me into an old age before my time.

2006-08-23T09:01:00.000+12:00

I didint realise that it has been over two years since doodles began until I looked at my profile for some reason and saw an email adress listed there that seems to have been defunct forever.

They yellow tulips on my desk are wilting now and the walls of my room appear grey rather than pale purple in the morning light.

I slide around now, no longer anchored in this house, or even in this time it appears. The nameless one comes and goes but more often instead of leaving me alone completely it replaces itself with a south american man named Ferdinand. I am not very crazy.

Rooms get colder when you can't close the door. I am struck by desire to leave, but I doubt my courage.

2006-08-20T21:12:00.000+12:00

Get a fucking sense of proportion.

Sometimes I can't believe any of you. Including myself

Hell in a Handbasket.

2006-08-12T12:39:00.000+12:00

I will light candles for all of you. The ones who used to mean something, and then I wilil blow them out one by one. Because I hate you all. Fuck You. The rage is eating me alive and want smash each and everyone of you into the dirt reptively until blood oozes out from behind yor eyeballs.

Do me a favor and die before I kill you.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

2006-08-03T09:04:00.000+12:00

For once I am wrapped. In a sinous cloud of warmth and wellness. Where conflict heals rather than breaking me into little pieces.

Lancing out the poisons it might seem.

Drops

2006-07-30T12:39:00.000+12:00

I got my hair cut by a korean woman that made me think of what a friend of mine will look like when she grows up. She of course thinks she's all grown up already. Age like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I wear red lipstick sometimes as a disguise. It acts as a barrier to the faceless masses that don't know me. These days that is everyone. I am back in the old places, landmarks I thought I had grown and moved on from. Instead they have just transmuted, grown legs and followed me a long.

Perhaps it is truly impossible to grow as a person. We remain stuck in our ruts, lying to ourselves, decieving others. Life is a game about deception. We play it because the only alternative is death. Some choose the alternative. Not everyone has that freedom.

You bought a red wrist band with the words BlOOD and VITALITY embossed on it. Are they the same thing? Is my lack of vitality linked to some deficiency of my blood?

2006-07-17T22:12:00.000+12:00

Its cold in my room. Not as cold as melbourne but cold enough for me to need the heater even if it is on the lowest setting.

It makes it easier to write these sometimes when I pretend they are letters to people that matter.

Today was the first day of uni and I spent the bus ride composing letters I will never send in my head.

Take the happy pills.

Hundreds and Thousands

2006-07-08T11:30:00.000+12:00

The pictures of those days at the bach with 22 people and very few beds are more intense and achingly beautiful than anything I ever saw there with my naked eyes. This would be another experience I have lived through. The crazy four wheel drive that refused to take its lights of high-beam and the numbing ruthlesness of the ocean as I mositened my toes.

The camera isolates moments and distills them.

I came home from those four days with my skin dampened from tears that were not my own. Breakfast at Strawberry Alarmclock always sweetens memories as we drown them in maple syrup and marhshmellows.

Experience is the oil of human bones, the ichor that flows in our veins allowing expression and education. I have another set coming up. I am going to melbourne for four days. Staying in a friends flat in the wops since she goes to monash. That is if she ever picks up her phone.

2006-07-06T19:19:00.000+12:00

Goosepimples. I cry with the same frequency.

Awake

2006-07-01T15:39:00.000+12:00

I awoke in a bed with three other people sweating from the cumulative effect of our body heat. Alone on the beach the night before there was no wind but I stood in the water numbing my toes and letting the rain coat my hoodie with a silver glaze. I was asking myself a question. The question.

End scene. It is time for the next act.

Sunk

2006-06-12T22:18:00.000+12:00

Desperate housewives ocassionally contains some pearls of wisdom. How true what the angry pretender said, the oppositie of "love is not hate it is indifference." How much I strive for indifference.

I know I'm getting drunk when my lips go numb. I am coming to love this feeling of foggy headed numbness. I am a happy drunk after all. I am always amused how this blog is full of "I want I want I want I wish." I never wanted to become this. But I supposed no one ever does. I am self absorbed. Even worse I am typical.

Legs wanted me to come. If the other one had said she wanted me to go I probably would have. I am finnicky like that. I expect too much from people. Bless them I hope they are having fun. Truly.

I am scared by my anger these days (this entry is perpetuating my self absorbtion). So full of vitriol. Where did it come from. Where did I come from. I am a walking cliche. It is the typicality of my generation. The spolied middle class of children pretending to be full grown that relish in our troubles and wallow in our misery. Yay for us. Sucked into computer screens venting our grief and dislocation. What a useless bunch of fucktards.

I can understand why people get stoned if it makes you feel like you can fly. Adrenaline is no longer a drug, its a state. I wanted to refuse to be troubled. Here I am a fucktard. What the hell kind of reason do I have to be troubled.

I want to be an icicle or a stone. Sentience is overrated as is emotion. People think emotional cripples are sad. Maybe they've really got things right. I never thought my father would be right.

Rubberneckers turn to watch the aftermath of car crashes. We as humans love marvelling at disaster.

I love my father. I love my family. I even love my boyfriend. Yet here I am getting drunk in my room, typing my life into cyberspace. Because of the alcohol I love myself right now. How sad is that. One more beer.

I really am a happy drunk.

Well up to a certain point anyway. Now I just wanna hurl.

Scarves are to Heavy to Fly....

2006-06-07T01:05:00.000+12:00

....And so am I. That night at Bastion Point I didint so much find closure or put things behind me. I just realised how fucking angry I am. Leaden and earthbound, perhaps a little heartbroken.

My mouth will fill with soil as will the hollows of my eyes. It will envelope my skin I will be eternally earthbound. Cemented by a chain of once was, unable to escape because I cannot get over it. Trapped by my own emotions.

This is what psychopaths are made of.

Filaments and Tendrils

2006-06-01T22:06:00.000+12:00

Where could I have found enough material to fill up 114 posts.

We (not that we a different one) in frasers eating and talking about life and love and things in between. How people change and laugh and cry and breathe together.

I fell asleep in the sun on a desk in a house of learning and dreamt of things that left and imprint on my brain and nothing else. The memory of the dream of the dream of the dream.

Apparently my room was illegaly built and shall have to be demolished. Bugger.

Fragments

2006-05-21T16:22:00.000+12:00

Fragments of a broken heart lying on the floor
awkwardness, mincing around
pretending its not there
The tender blush, the velvet rose, the painful kiss
Wash your hands of this mess
Scrub it from underneath your fingernails
It has stained your skin, a tattoo of debris
All swords have two edges

Morphine comes in feminine packaging
A quick fix. That’s all. Love junkie
Glass walls shatter easily when the floodwaters press against them.
Don’t cut yourself on the pieces
Blood comes too easily when it blossoms on the floor
Fill up on something else.

This is not the orignal formatting.

2006-05-20T19:58:00.000+12:00

"Accidents don't just happen people let them happen."

2006-05-13T10:42:00.000+12:00

Drenched in foam with a gaggle of friends. Damp and dancing

Ugh.

Things are going to change around here

Bloodflowers

2006-05-10T09:23:00.000+12:00

I should be walking to the bus to get to work. Its wednesday though. Wdnesday is always a slow day anyway. What can it matter. I should at least get changed though.

Apparently lipstick can transform your face.

We fought last night, the first time we have fought like that voices raised and arms flailing. The night and swallowed our fears. We walked away marked, it was something imperceptible.
I sat in a car on the way home from parakai with smoking lesbians. That statement makes me think of sterotypes with smoke rising from the tops of their heads, instead of girls with pale glowing sticks in their mouths, breathing out the window on the motorway.

Everything is crisp. Almost chilled, I can see clearer, the barbs are sharper. I bleed more.

I should really go to uni.

2006-04-21T10:42:00.000+12:00

I am a volunteer telephone counsellor. At times I think this is impossible because I am so volatile so shifty so unresolved, how can I be a stabling influence on someone else?

Cashmere Socks

2006-04-14T13:42:00.000+12:00

We sat in the park watching an old man jogging and then doing strange body contorting stretches. Dressed to kill at a funeral I cried, she hugged me we fell back into love again.

Another day we went to see 'Kinky Boots' her and I, It was great we laughed and laughed and marvelled at the man who played the drag queen. We vowed to go see a queen show.

Last night we skipped in perfect synchronisation in Albert park, spun in circles till we were dizzy and laughed some more. It was night time. The city is pretty at night.

Today is April 14th. Four months since I began my madcap adventure with the thai boy. I miss him sometimes, sitting here on my bed with my laptop. Walking from the bus stop to my house at midnight in the cold. He is a sweet mist engulfing my senses. One day I will wrap up a piece of my Self and give it to him. Love.

Liquid Whispers

2006-04-01T09:52:00.000+12:00

I guess what I have learnt from her is that I really can survive without her. I never needed her as much as I thought I did.

Strange isn't it I feel she doesn't deserve a "You" here, yet she probably has meant more to me than anyone who has been in my life as of yet. In a different way from the boy. Its sad how easily shattered one can be by the people one falls in love with. Parts of me remain buried in people I used to know and are now strangers.

No More Tears. I have cried enough for now.

Epiphany

2006-03-27T22:21:00.000+12:00

I am Human

Hero

2006-03-01T16:53:00.000+13:00

Watching one scene from 'Hero' over and over again, not on the screen but in my head. Watching the yellow leaves swirl and the red blood drip. Exhaustion and lonliness overwhelm on the screen.

"Who do you talk to?" Who cares.

The days are cooling down. Autumn is my favourite season. Dreams of being buried in multicoloured symphonies of crackling leaves.

Mania for clothes shopping strikes.

Things to replace the gaps people used to fill. One person can't be everything. We suffocate and die. Why did they leave. I know why.

Its awful not being to blame someone or something else.

Am I a bad person? Tell me the truth. Please. I need to know.

Lost Undulations

2006-03-01T16:42:00.000+13:00

Its easy to lose yourself in the haze of who you want to be. Who you would prefer to be. What you should sound like. In all other areas of my life I try to defy moulds yet here on doodles I have sunk in to one almost without noticing. It didint begin that way.

I am lost in the self-absorbtion of the very young.

Confusion

2006-02-27T19:47:00.000+13:00

I watch a blank eyed child prostitute talk about having sex with a sixty three year old men.

I read my cousins blog and she talks about pain. Her pain is limitations and restrictions. I don't know what pain is any more.

Stuff and Nonsense

2006-02-25T21:50:00.000+13:00

Uni starts the day after tomorrow. Another clean slate. Habits to be changed, goals to achive. It feels alien to go back to structure after months of an aimless summer. Almost counterintuitive, that feeling of holding a pen.

I was struck by the realisation that I have no close girl-friends left. The ones that I would consider close are all overseas and those that I have had over the last year have drifted away from me. I'm not that sad.

I told you I had an inner hermit. Despite how I cling on to relationships.

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived a half life. She existed only when the people she loved were around. She loved intensely, the kind of love that exhausts itself or self destructs.

Why are shooters given sexual names? Quick fuck, slow fuck, blowjob, orgasm. All names of alcoholic mixes in a shot glass. Someone said its so the bar tenders can snigger.

I keep listening to "She Will Have Her Way" over and over again. Thanks by the way.

"And you know that I love you
Here and Now not Forever
I can give you the present
I don't know about the future
Thats all stuff and nonsense

Milestones.

2006-02-15T21:24:00.000+13:00
This is post number 101 on Doodles. I think that is some sort of milestone. Perhaps one drawn in the sand, but a milestone none the less. I have continues with this despite everything and that surprises me.

A melbourne friend (there are a few) is staying with me at the moment. I like how our relationship slips back into easy familiarity. Her relationships don't appear to consume her, make her bitter when the intensity fades, eat her up when a friend begins to spend more time with someone else.

I want to be more normal. Less self-destructive. I think what I want more than anything is to have a little distance. Be able to get involved with people without having to give so much of myself. Less hurt that way.

I need to be less selfish.

Creatures of Heaven

2006-02-12T11:55:00.000+13:00
Once I used to hold on to people so tightly that I suffocated them. I wanted to crawl into them become them, I would lose myself in other people. I fell in love in a heartbeat and always ended up feeling betrayed.

2006-02-10T22:28:00.000+13:00
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave, pack my things and go. The remmanants an empty closet and a clean floor.

Its hard to breathe sometimes. Long goodbyes by the ocean, pressed in the bottom of a kumara pit and misting up the car windows watching the weather turn and the lights wink on.

In some ways I envy you. The idea of cutting loose appeals to me. Closure via cauterisation. I was going to do an exchange over second semester but I wanted to appease my parents too much. I don't want to appease anyone anymore. Selfish I know.

The sky grew heavy as we watched and so did my heart. I am filled with disconcerting sense of foreboding. Sympathy pains.

A Wink To the Fates

2006-02-10T09:29:00.000+13:00
This week has been nutso, my stepmother flew in hurry to Singapore because her father was critically ill. The day after she left my brother got admitted to hospital with appendicitis. It never rains it pours.

Some how in the midst of all of this despite the fact that I have an exam on monday I managed to completely re-vamp doodles. It looks crap in IE though and I don't know how to fix it. *Glares at all people who use IE*

You are leaving on wednesday. I hope you have started packing. Go well. I shall miss you, who else will listen to my my whingeing? Hopefully unlike Trina, you stay in a place with a phoneline so I can still bitch to you via msn. Oh and guess what since Melbourne has Vodafone we can still txt you! :P

Sometimes coping with other peoples insecurity is exhausting. Other people find it endearing, to them it makes it seem like he truly values me. Sometimes though I just can't be bothered re-assuring him. I wish he could see into my brain and truly understand how I feel.

Uni is starting soon, yet another new beginning. Yay. I like clean starts.

Fiddle dee dee

2006-02-09T22:43:00.000+13:00
I have an exam on monday. Open book exams are hard to study for, it feels like a waste of time.

There is something important that I wanted to write about but I can't remember what it is. My memory is drifting into ambiguous straits of sludge.

Regeneration

2006-02-08T19:28:00.000+13:00
I left doodles because I was trying to hide from certain people, yet I didint have the heart to delete it, I think that was a sign. Doodles is an old friend of a blog so I guess I am back. Thankyou hagfish for your very warm and fuzzy comment :) Someone somewhere that I can't remember, wrote that "nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them" The flip side of that is, once you fall out of love with them you can see again. I'm not talking about romantic love, more a platonic love. The friend who is perfect in your eyes, who can do know wrong no matter what. Until one day, the magic light switches off and you realise they aren't angelic anymore, their all to human imperfections are plain to see. I will never ever feel the same about Rajan ever again, and I wonder why. Was it the aftermath of our short illjudged relationship? Or perhaps I am less naive now and I can see the games he plays. Once upon a time I was a romantic, I'm not anymore.

2006-01-06T21:14:00.000+13:00
Doodles is Dead.

Don't come back.

Hot Heat

2005-12-30T23:32:00.000+13:00
Time has stepped left into that peculiar phase of things that only seems to happen in the holidays. Where days seem to stretch into eternity yet fly past at the same time. Its hot and I'm restless. Warm nights don't really agree with me unless I'm outside. Its one of those evenings when you think about all the wonderful things you could be doing and resolve to start them, but tomorrow. Fitting since tomorrow is new years eve. I don't really like new years. I always feel obligated to do something smashing and it always falls flat, except maybe that one time when I went to christchurch.

The words drip of your toungue like crystals sparkling in the warmth.

Oddball Scramble

2005-12-22T21:10:00.000+13:00
When I was young I never became attached to a soft toy or a blanket or a pillow, things like that that normally become a part of a childs life. This was not because I had a lack of things to form attachments too, I just didint. I even tried, but the nuemerous teddy-bears I had never did it for me really. It was not the things in my life I was attached to. I clung with all my heart and soul to people. A strange child I was.

Merry Christmas and all that Jazz.

I have had some interesting experiences with older males in town. Last night there was a guy who stopped me as I walked past and said, "Im not hitting on you, but your dress is lovely, gorgeous." He then proceeded to tell my boyfriend who was walking behind me, "Your girlfriends dress is pretty." Bizzarre. Then there was the guy who as I was walking along Lorne St. At 10 o'clock at night was walking behind me and coughed and said "I'm just letting you know I'm behind you and I'm not going to attack you." I thanked him. What else can you say??

Exquisite It Was

2005-12-21T01:13:00.000+13:00
There is a certain safety in anonymity. Its a breeze when no one knows your name. Hard, but in a breezy kind of way. With knowledge comes expectations and with expectations comes the possiblity of failing to meet those.

My father is in sydney at the moment. Im enjoying the peace. Love is hard work. Sometimes I wonder if deep down I have a hermit wanting to get out. Life is fun when you have company. Its not just misery that loves it, but joy as well.

The process of drifting away from people is hard, and at the end you can't blame anybody, but I have to wonder if you just like to jump from one close friendship to the next leaving chaos in your wake. You will never know how much you meant to me and how much you affected me. How much I mourned your loss. I still do sometimes when I think of you and what we had. Ah well such is life. I felt replaced. Many times over. Like you found in other people what I could never ever have been to you. In retaliation I stopped letting you know what was going on in my life. I know you blame me for our rift, and in my own way I blame me too. But I also blame you.

People say blame is counter-productive. But its a defense mechanism. Anger and hurt can be misdirected so they take a less destructive toll. However it can be more destructive. Relationships fall apart. I hope your happy. I am.

Where is my life going to take me? At the moment I don't know and I am perfectly happy with that.

Sleep time now.

Blerg

2005-12-11T17:20:00.000+13:00
I keep froming wondeful entries in my head but once I actually get on to the computer to type them out they flee and I am left with nothing to say. I suppose it will suffice to mention that I am happy. Truly happy in a way that I have not been for a long time. I stopped saying that I have found my balance because everytime I thought I had it wouldn't be long before my world came crashing down. So now I am just going to rejoice in the fact that right now at this very moment I am happy and leave it at that.

Cheese

2005-12-09T20:50:00.000+13:00
The humidity is wilting me. I feel like cheese that has been left out of the fridge and gets that moisture coating

Love Straits

2005-12-05T21:53:00.000+13:00
Its interesting the cultural conceptions of love. In the layers of western culture, the idea of the grand supremacy of romantic love is imbedded. Love should be passionate and consuming. It should trancscend all boundaries, it trumps all other relationships: friends, family. Everything pales in comparsion to the fire of this kind of love. It is to be longed for and treasured.

In eastern cultures, traditionally, this kind of love does not hold this special place. The grand ideal of love is not the one that should trump everything. It is familial love that is held sacred and trumps everything else. The stories in which the parties are forced a part because of their families are steeped in the idea that you will come to a sticky end if you disobey this fundamental creed.

Sometimes I am struck by an amusing song lyric "Love is a chemical/straight from the genitals"

2005-12-04T19:47:00.000+13:00
Slut is a word I don't think I could ever use on someone no matter how furious I was. Its not just the connotations of the word, but the sound of it. How it sharply and bluntly cuts across the ear, that makes it so much worse than words like whore. I really dislike it. Its simmilar to the word cunt. I don't like that one either. In know way can I call myself a prude. It seems to be the sound of the words rather than the meaning themselves that offends me. How odd.

Its been a long week and weekend. Being around the thai boy makes me unbeliveably happy the silliness is setting in. I like life at the moment. Despite my exhaustion right at this very moment and the fact that I don't think I have got in to law school, I seem to be seeing everything through rose tinted windows. It must be the sun.

Soft Mysteries

2005-11-29T12:12:00.000+13:00
People are mysterious. Complex beings composed of cells, tissues, humours. Its more than though. The mind I think is a terrifying place. I barely know what goes on in my own head let alone some one else's. I don't think I would want to know in the first place. Thus we can never truly know anyone. Perhaps we can never truly know our selves. No matter how hard we try. Ok this is depressing I am not going to talk about it any more.

One of the most sensual moment's I have ever seen on film was not in a romantic movie, well I suppose that depends on how you define romanticism, and those kind of catergories are fluid, but anyway. It was in "The Last Samurai" a movie I enjoyed despite my disgust of Tom Cruise as an actor. It is just one shot in the whole film, when a Japanese lady begins to put his armour on. It was breathtaking.

I wish the spastic Auckland weather would make up its mind and decide what season it wanted to be. I swear my friends and I are cursed. The days surrounding the day (on both sides) we plan to go to the beach always seem to be fantastically sunny, yet on the proposed day its always raining or windy and overcast. Or all three. Some people have taken this that plans are a waste of time and it is spontanaeity that is needed.

Sparkles Nair

2005-11-26T18:38:00.000+13:00
"If you have lost your birth certificate does that mean you don't exist legally anymore?"

The upshot of this conversation was somebody telling me to take the opportunity of the possibility of my legal non-existence to change my name to Sparkles.

Honestly!

Soap Opera Melodrama

2005-11-14T16:44:00.000+13:00
Sometimes I feel that one day I closed my eyes and did a paralell shift and my life was transformed into a soap opera. The web of intrigue that came with uni life was at times amusing ocassionally mortifying and right now exceedingly irritating.

I can't be with someone I want to be with because of various reasons involving one of my good friends. At least I know I'm able to stick to this particular conviction. I wasn't sure if I would be able to when it came to the test. But I have and I know its worth it, but sometimes I wish I could throw it all away.

Baby's change so fast. My half brother is 9 months old now. Thats 18 years younger than me. He smiles when he see's me, for no other reason than I am a human being and I play with him. People say ignorance is bliss. I think it is more that innocence is bliss. Innocence is often confused with ignorance I think, perhaps part of having innocence is being ignorant but I think it is more than that. It is perfectly possible to be ignorant without being innocent. Perhaps innoncence is simply an idealised quality thats doesn't really exist. That would be sad.

playing tiddly winks with fate

2005-10-29T21:10:00.000+13:00
I'm terrified of feeling this way, in case I slip back into what you would give me with open arms. A storm in our lives leaving us stripped of a layer of skin and hating each other for not being what the other needs.

Two exams down two to go. I wait for summer and hope that this time I will be different. Do people change?

I can't find my car keys.

Fragile is such a pretty word.

2005-10-27T23:24:00.000+13:00
The finger prints on a glass window. The warm dent on a seat. The hairs trapped in the grill in the bathroom sink. The traces of ourselves we leave behind everyday. Our marks in the world. The fragile proof of existence. Its easily wiped away leaving only smudges and memories.

Drabble

2005-10-21T21:26:00.000+13:00
God this is stupid.

Mild Surprise.

2005-10-21T20:11:00.000+13:00
Less than a week till my first exam. I am forming an affectionate relationship with pinky bars. Mmmmm marshmallow.

Things are odd at the moment. I think I must be tired.

Lime Scented Musings

2005-10-08T11:17:00.000+13:00
Human beings are said to exist in a dichotony between heart and head. The two are engaged in a constant struggle for our souls. The head is concerned with the mundane practicalities of bodily existence, while the heart attempts to simplify life to its ultimate truths. Distill our passions into the pure motives of love and honour and being true to ones self.

What would you chose? More importantly, why do we all deep down believe this dichotony exists?

Eruptions of Function

2005-10-06T17:02:00.000+13:00
Its been so long since I have written something purely for my own gratification that I can almost feel the pressure of the words in my head.

I wish hair could grow instantly (no smart comments about hair extensions -_-) my hair is really thick and for some unknown reason I want long curtains of it right at this moment.

Apparently the thing most people want to steal from me is my hair. Other things mentioned were: my wit (I didint think I had any), my mastery of the English language ( again dubious if you see my study notes), and my kindness.

The joys of free txt weekends.

2005-10-05T17:50:00.000+13:00
"Talking to you is like talking to a shrink, not a friend..." This amused me to no end, simply because I was feeling petty and was happy to have gotten under her skin. I have my moments.

I think she is more annoyed by the fact I don't really care enough about her friendship to beg her to come back to me. Well I barely know her, and I apologised and explained myself. Meh. Life is too short.

Step by step I put back my pieces and hope this time they will stay stuck.

Soft Shadows Under the Eyes

2005-09-29T01:29:00.000+12:00
"do you hope to expiate the crimes of the past by suffering in the present?"

Perhaps that is exactly what I am trying to do. Atoning for all the misery I have caused by inflicting misery upon myself. Its an insatiable need.

Once upon a time, I remember reading some where or being told when I was very young that that is how all good stories start. I didint even understand what the phrase meant but it took on all kinds of connotations after that, like it was a key to unlocking the narrative magic, all one had to do was write four simple words. I was entranced.

When does one pass from childhood into adolesence? And from there into adulthood? Is it when we realise that the power of words is much more prosaic, based on the niceties of language and the ability to manipulate?

Do you still wish on stars and eyelashes just in case? Do you believe in angels? Music that makes you feel? Words that make your soul sing?

"I abstain" Its not that easy

Slipping into Oblivion

2005-09-24T11:20:00.000+12:00
Reading that last post I smiled. Its funny how when you finally think you have everything sorted life throws multiple spanners in the works. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it never rains - it pours.

I let the gap between my posts grow in the hope people will forget about this blog and that my presence in cyberspace will dissapear.

strange things are catylysts

2005-09-04T11:00:00.000+12:00
It all began with the ball. Skipping madly down krd after dancing for hours at kiss. Watching Tony proceed to get sloshed. He goes bright red and says wonderfully ridiculous things.

Ice cream with Rajan on tuesday, which might have started something that cannot be put away, but which I am putting away anyway.

Then Piha two days later. Sang and Chris throwing me in the ocean, making a car out of sand, turning Tony into a rather butch looking mermaid. The screaming in the car with Been on the way there. Information divulged.

The night out on friday on which I had an epiphany sitting in Sangs apartment drinking my third woodstock.

Watch me enjoy my life.

Crying

2005-08-30T12:01:00.000+12:00
"if you were suspect in a criminal investigation, i wouldnt be able to tell the agents what you were doing" What I am doing is worrying. Too many things to list here. I am a paranoid individual, so now I feel guilty for worrying about nothing. Hug me and make it go away. I apologise for being stupid.

Blinkers

2005-08-17T20:04:00.000+12:00
Fuck You

Romantic Cynicism

2005-08-14T12:38:00.000+12:00
I think I worried a few people last night. I didint mean to, now I remember why I keep to myslef when I'm in certain headspaces. Now I just feel silly, I shall have to make apologies. I want to get off this roller coaster.

I was reading an column in "Canvas". It was about the effects good teachers can have on our lives. I remember the first teacher who told me I could write poetry. They were too silly little things, about how I found solace in books, she made a ridiculously big deal out of them. I wonder what happened to Mrs. Charteris, maybe she felt sorry for the lonely indian girl stuck in the waikato, I think I loved her.

Hooks lines and sinkers

2005-08-07T13:12:00.000+12:00
Melissa you have hooked me on that Jeff Buckley song, "Lover you should have come over" I have been in an odd state of mind recently. I know that I have unintentionally and in some cases intentionally hurt a few people. Pondering is too difficult.

stewing in my own ridiculousness

2005-08-06T08:55:00.000+12:00
I wonder if I read too much into things. The choked no as I partner someone else in a game of pool. The way you look at me when you think I am not looking. I love the way your jacket smells, and sharing an earphone listening Ray Charles is bliss. Little excuses to touch you, the small of your back when your in my way and I want to attempt a shot, shoulder to shoulder as we listen to music, absorbing your warmth.

I feel silly

thelittlethingsthelittlethingsthelittlethings

2005-08-03T20:58:00.000+12:00
I have been walking around listening to thai songs on my ipod that someone sent me because they remind me of that someone, thinking quietly (is it possible to think loudly?)"how did I come to this." Smells follow the shortest neural pathway, they shock me some times (smells that is). The balcony feels more comfortable than my own room. Does anyone know why silverbeet grows in little semicircle gardens in the commercial bit of newmarket? There is parsley too.

Dry eyes and flaky skin

2005-07-10T12:11:00.000+12:00
I am back home after spending two weeks in very hot heat. I had a much better time than I expected. It vaguely depresses me that the very first thing I did when I came home was hook up my laptop and check my email.

I love how New Zealand smells, especially in this kind of weather where the air is cool but the sun streams down. I like the slightly refridgerated feel of my room when I come home after two weeks of being away in winter time.

On the plane home I had three seats to my self although one an a bit got temporarily ususrped by a south african lady while she slept. It irritated me slightly, the other two seats belonged to my brother and sister who had moved up 5 rows to sit with my parents who had re-jigged their own travel plans and ended up on the same flight as us. I didint mind her taking one of the seats, it was the bit that annooyed me. God I hope this was the last time I ever have to travel with my father, I always was mildly surprised at how easy traveling unassisted with my brother and sister was, now I realise its my father that makes things complicated.

Well I should be off to unpack ans stuff..